I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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