is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I need to stop coming to work sober
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
