I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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