I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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