my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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