thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
