Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
