First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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