tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
