she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I wear drunk well.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
