There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
