You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
