My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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