New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
