I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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