My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
