yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
