i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
