Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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