uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
