i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Randomize
