my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
