fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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