It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
