you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
