If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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