Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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