is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
