The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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