a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
nutella sex= disaster
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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