I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
