She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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