Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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