you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
