I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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