We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
