The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
