so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
