I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
