Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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