dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
