She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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