my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
