Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
