How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
