my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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