better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
