I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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