Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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