Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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