Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
