i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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