when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
