i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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