eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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