She went from zero to smokin in five shots
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
