Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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