If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
