im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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