His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
