so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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