if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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